LEAH ZIBULSKY

You'd think men wouldn't need anyone to warn them against getting all prettied up. Nevertheless, I think you boys need some advice.

You shouldn't be upset if people on the street mistake you for Brad Pitt, but your grooming habits should not imitate those of style editor-cum-TV personality Steven Cojucaru.

If you see an awards show featuring Cojucaru or if you tune in to his weekly appearances on the Today show, you can't help but notice he is obnoxiously preened. His locks are multifarious shades of blond and brown, his eyebrows are expertlyshaped, his nails are perfect, and you can bet that if hair grows where he doesn't want it, it's as good as gone. You, everyman, may care some about your appearance, but you do not want to be like him.

At a gathering, you are introduced to a woman your buddy has been telling you about. You smile and proudly extend a freshly manicured hand. She grimaces. You curse silently for indulging in that spinach tartlet moments before, certain that a smidgen has stuck to the front of an incisor. You're unaware of the fact that she's actually offended by your nails. You went for the shiny topcoat--and you made a big mistake.

Before you gentlemen work yourselves into a tizzy, no, there's nothing wrong with men who take care of their hands (or toes--in fact, please do). Go get cleaned, filed, buffed, and moisturized. What women don't want to see is evidence. We don't want to know that you have a beauty regimen.

Finally took care of that unibrow, did ya? Good for you. But you can't just duck out of the salon wearing a Yankees cap pulled down low and never look back. You must stay focused on your follicles, because if you don't, your secret is out.

Perhaps you're getting a bit pissed because you detect a double standard here: Women can go away for entire spa weekends, and you get scrutinized for a little basic grooming? No. Have a licensed professional electrolysize your shaggy back. For the love of God, do it. Just remember that maintenance is key. Stubble belongs on a man's face and nowhere else. If you don't have your back done often enough, you'll end up wondering why the babes snicker as you saunter along the shoreline. (Love handles are too common to produce such a reaction.)

Want your hair highlighted? Go play outside when the sun's out. Is the pretty lady at the salon trying to sell you tanning cream? As much as you may want people to think you've been traipsing around Bora-Bora, it's not worth tinting yourself with what will, I promise, turn you orange. And if you know what's good for you, don't let anyone talk you into experimenting with eyeliner. (It could happen.) Even get an avocado-cucumber-papaya-guava-freakin'-canteloupe mud wrap. Just keep that to yourself.

If a woman can tell what you've been up to, she will be turned off--instantly.