DARMIN T. SNOW

When we married last year, my wife and I didn't add any housewares to our gift registry. All the matching crockery, silverware, and glassware we were supposed to acquire for our long life together, we don't have. We are using the same motley assortment of stoop-sale dishes and thank-you-mom cookware we had in our college apartments.

No one should have matching anything who cannot keep one's home regularly stocked with toilet paper. That's the key. If you have enough toilet paper laid in to survive a month-long blizzard, you are allowed other domestic niceties, like china and a demitasse set. If you pick up a single 69-cent roll at the deli only after finding yourself unable to wipe, you are resigned, as we are, to ungracious living.

For this, the first installment of a column that hopefully will be the foundation of a media empire--call it Snow Omnimedia--I offer some tips on doing without toilet paper.

Years of running out of toilet paper every three days or so has taught me some valuable lessons. First, toilet paper is really the worst thing for cleaning up after a bowel movement. The best thing to do in any circumstance is get off the pot, turn on the shower, and wash with soap and water. Never mind that there is such a thing as a bidet. I used one at a European hotel once. The warm jet on my rear felt wonderfully naughty. I was delighted that what had always been an unpleasant fact of life could be transformed into an experience at once erotic, hygienic, and efficient--until I realized that the stream had not washed away the poop. It had liquefied it and spattered it all over my scrotum and the backs of my thighs, necessitating that I take a shower.

I realize there is not always time to shower, and potty training habits die hard. Nevertheless, there is no better course of action when faced with a bare cardboard tube and a soiled bum.

The second option is paper towel. It works fine, but fistfuls of the stuff clog the plumbing--another issue I will address in an upcoming column entitled "how to plunge the toilet without getting shit everywhere." Kleenex is not an option, of course. No devotee of ungracious living buys boxes of Kleenex, when toilet paper serves the same purpose. Shampoo and soap are the same thing, too. You can wash your hair with a bar of soap or wash your body with shampoo: They contain the same detergents. Keep that in mind when you run out of either.

Use newspaper, inkjet paper, and your socks only as a last resort. I've been forced to try them all, and no one confers any benefit over a few squares of Bounty or a good wash.

Lastly, there's the question of what to do about ladies' needs. They must daub after a pee, and it's silly to shower just for that. I recommend saving your napkins when you order in. Don't use the napkins that come with your food. Just put them in a drawer until your wife calls, "Oh, no, honey!" from the bathroom. Then you can be the hero and march in with a whole handful.

Coming up next: How to get out of bed when you really don't want to.