DARMIN T. SNOW

Oftentimes, having spent hours downloading porn, comparing average property taxes among US cities, or hunting monsters in the forests of Hibernia, I find myself up at 4 a.m., and I must be somewhere at nine. When I was younger, I had no problem waking after only a few hours' sleep; or if need be, I could function on no sleep for up to 36 hours. Now it's not so easy to drag myself out of bed, and all-nighters are out of the question. So I have devised a system by which I can get up and on with the day's business when I have only three to four hours to catch a wink. I am happy to share it with you.

Three hours is the bare minimum. If you've left yourself only one or two, you're plainly screwed. Call in sick or invent a deceased relative. But if you have at least three, you can benefit by my method.

First, do not take off your clothes, and do not get into bed. If your bed is like mine, it has big fluffy pillows, a down comforter, and another warm person sleeping in it. That's bad, because when the alarm goes off, you won't want to leave it. Instead, you should sleep on your couch, without a blanket, and with only a cushion for your head. When the alarm goes off, you'll be able to simply sit up, rub your eyes, and stumble to the bathroom.

The alarm is the second most crucial thing. Alarms that beep, buzz, or ring are no good. You can sleep through that. You cannot, however, sleep through a Mexican DJ screaming in your ear. Use a clock radio. In most American cities one can find a Latin music station somewhere on the dial. These stations are good because the DJs do positively shout. Also, you shouldn't be able to understand the language. You want your wake-up to be as jarring and bewildering as possible. If you understand the language, the words you hear may be incorporated into your dream. I've often found myself at the scene of a suicide bombing in Israel wearing only my underwear.

Of course, you may actually speak Spanish. In that case, find an Arabic or French station on the AM dial. The next best thing is Lite FM, because some horrible diva will likely be caterwauling, and you'll want to jump up and kill her. The danger of Lite FM is that you may miss the "long set of lite songs," and instead wake to the warm, soothing tones of the morning DJ's voice. Whatever you choose, just make sure to set the clock radio out of easy reach, and turn the volume all the way up.

Next, mind your environment. You don't want to be so uncomfortable that you can't sleep at all, but if it's summer, turn off the air conditioner. You'll wake all sweaty, which will be an incentive to bathe. In winter crack a window, so that the chill will make a hot shower seem better than sleep. And don't close the shades. That's important. Natural morning light can be a powerful stimulant.

Before you lay down your head, drink as much alcohol as possible to quiet the chatter up there. Remember the formula: The body metabolizes one drink per hour. So if you have three hours to sleep, quickly down three beers, or three glasses of wine, or three shots of 80-proof liquor.

Doctors discourage using alcohol as a sleep aid because its effect on the brain keeps you from entering the deeper stages of sleep. If you want to get your straight eight, that's good advice. In our case, forget it. You don't want to slip into that deep theta-wave state of consciousness if you have to be up and at 'em so soon. If you follow the formula, you will wake perfectly sober, and you'll probably have to piss real bad--a bonus.

Of course, you do want to take a quick shower, brush your teeth, and change clothes before flying out the door. You must get the boozy smell off your breath and out of your pores, lest others think you have a problem. Forgo shaving if you can. Brush while the shower is warming up. And take a very hot shower. I don't have any scientific data to back me up on this, but I hypothesize that showers aid in waking because the heat raises your body temperature. When you sleep, your core body temperature drops, and I suspect that's why it's so hard to wake up without a hot beverage or a hot shower.

On the way to whatever it is you have to do, take extra care to look both ways before crossing the street. If you have to get behind the wheel, please watch out for children, red lights, stop signs, and merging traffic; and stay one car length for every ten miles per hour behind the vehicle in front of you.

Coming up next: The picture on the box is decieving. Snow serves up his favorite frozen entrees to show you what they really look like.